CARLTON, THE CRIME-FIGHTING PIG

The Origin Story

Carlton's mother was a sleek, fat pig named Whoopi.

Her owners, a pair of Californians descended from gold miners and prostitutes, were adventurers and travelers. They believed that their pig should not be deprived the educational opportunities that exploring gifted the offspring of other Frisco denizens. Accordingly, whenever they launched themselves into unchartered waters, Whoopi was bundled up in a bonnet and hand-sewn baby clothes, tossed in a large stroller, and brought with them.

This being the United States in the 21st Century and that being California, no one gave their "child" a second thought as the odd family passed. They spent a week at Joshua Tree National Park watching UAP's in the night skies and enjoyed two nights outside the marine base near 29 Pines, drumming, chanting, and calling out the spirits that possessed those young men who felt that odd compulsion to serve their country and challenge their physical prowess.

Not too many days passed before these modern gypsies found themselves in Moab, Utah. Not surprisingly, these happy yokels enjoyed meandering down the sidewalks and remarking to one another about how handsome and fine the movie stars of ancient days appeared. You see, in Moab, where many of the earliest Westerns were filmed, stars like Tom Mix, "Broncho Billy" Anderson, and William S. Hart once mingled with the locals and were forever enshrined in memorials along main street.

Whoopi's owners learned that dinosaur footprints were embedded in stones outside the tiny town and ventured into the desert in search of adventure. They parked their Range Rover, hoisted Whoopy out of the back, dropped some MDMA and set off to see whatever they might see. They were surprised to find one footprint that was petrified and actually raised above a rock. They looked at each other as if they were sharing a dream. And, of course, they were.

It was no time at all before all three were naked and frolicking in the warm water of a creek in a slot canyon (as they imagined that native Americans had done for centuries before the depredation and genocide of their own ancestors).

Lost in their fantasy, Whoopi's parents (being thoroughly modern Californians, they could not consider themselves the owners of any living thing) paid no attention to their prize pig as she trundled off to drop a litter of piggies.

Whoopi was never seen again. Carlton, the alpha pig, always got his fill of milk from his mother, often shoving his seven brothers and sisters aside to gorge himself on the gushing torrent of life's bounty.

Carlton was born with his eyes open and, when he saw the colors of the desert and the sapphire blue sky, the wanderlust took him over and within weeks he left the drift in search of adventure.

It was 2020, the year of the plague, the year of the riots. the time when the veneer of civilization was torn off America and it returned to its savage roots.