CARLTON, THE CRIME-FIGHTING PIG

Chapter 4 - SIGNS & WONDERS

November 1, 2020

It was a sleepy morning on a sleepy day in the sleepy town of Colorado City when Carlton nervously poked his snout through the doggy door at the base of the Mohave County Sheriff's Office.

The sheriff, Jebediah Isaiah Chesterton-Jones, was amusing his wives (Maisie, Daisy, Jethrine, Maxine, Jolene, Lulabelle, and Cindy Mae) with tales of his attempts to find the legendary gold tablets dropped in the desert by the angel Macaroni. A prospector, before being elected sheriff, mayor, justice of the peace, and bishop of the FLDS, Chesterton-Jones had worn out a dozen shovels in his search for the treasure.

After accepting his multiple roles as boss of the county, Jebediah's archeological digs had halted. But he kept having the dreams.

Cindy Mae, his youngest wife, was the first to spy Carlton's wiggling nose inside the flap sawed into the front door of the sheriff's office.

"Lookie, paw," she said, "A critter's tryin' to get in."

Jebediah lifted his boots off his desk and leaned forward. The swivel chair he sat on squeaked in protest. He squinted towards the door.

"It don't look like a Gila Monster or a dog. Fetch it," he ordered.

Cindy Mae scurried to the door, opened it, and stared into the face of the terrified piglet.

"It's a piggie, paw. Can we keep it?"

"Bring it in, hon. Let's have a look at it."

She picked up little Carlton, surprised at how warm he felt (he'd not fully digested that radioactive ant), and carried him into the office.

Jebediah yelled at his first wife, Maisie, "Get a bowl of water for this thing. If we can fatten it up, it'll make a nice meal, come Easter."

Faced with a room filled with humans for the first time, Carlton squealed and ran in circles. Who wouldn't?

Maisie rummaged through the kitchen in the back and came out with a bowl filled with water.

"Here, piggy piggy," she said.

Pretty soon, all of Jebediah's wives had taken up the refrain.

"Here, piggy piggy," the seven women chanted.

At first, Carlton hid in a corner. Then, he bolted to the door and was scarcely blocked from running away by Jethrine. Jethrine was the biggest of the bunch and, surprisingly, the fastest. She picked up the little porker and carried him to her husband.

Jebediah looked to the sky and blessed the LORD.

"That blue moon we saw last night was a sign," he said, wonderingly. "We have got ourselves a meal."